Even the hardiest of retail warriors, like myself, cringe in terror at those four words.
Back To School Shopping.
CLOTHES. With a 13 year old and a 6 year old. 6 year olds feet have grown. There are no Disney Princess Velcro sneakers in size 13. She picks Tinkerbell. I thought I was victorious. Untill we check out...the wailing commences because they arent PINK. Never mind that she put them on, danced around the aisle, and proclaimed them the prettiest sneakers. Noooooooooooooooo. Ugh. WTF ever.
Jeans. Thought it was easy..till the dressing room was closed. FUCK ME. Buy them anyway, try them on at home. If they dont fit...I return them when I take the boy.
BACKPACKS! 13 year old...BAM..found it. 6 year old? Oh holy fuck, you would think I asked her to decided which parent to put in the bunker with her before the bomb drops. Barbie, Dora, Bratz, Princesses, Tinkerbell...holy shit.
Christ on a cracker! So then I pull out the supply lists, and a chill runs down my back. I remember the horror of last year. I went the weekend before school. BAD BAD BAD IDEA. EVERYTHING was gone. Even the fucking back to school aisle was EMPTY. Come on! WHO disbands the whole damn AISLE the week BEFORE?
Never backing from a challenge, I grit my teeth and forge ahead...plowing through the portly women who needed a shower and couldnt figure out that a package of white paper meant COPY PAPER. And were vastly debating the merits of a Hannah Montana binder over a High School Musical binder. Me...I dont care. They can BOTH die in a fire. Im the type of mom who buys plain brown pencils, and boring spirals. Fuck the overdecorated highly priced slicker than snot shit.
Notebook paper? Check. Wait, double check...yes...wide ruled.
Spiral notebooks, wide ruled, 4 different colors? Check
4 specific colors of plastic pocket only folders? Sure...no problem. Just let me climb up the shelf to the ONLY box of red ones, and topple two boxes of purple on the floor. Sorry about that. Who the hell stocks purple and orange when the lists are red, blue, green and yellow?
4 specific colors of regular pocket and brad folders? Thats easy.
5 bottles of Elmers Glue? Yeah
5 disappearing purple glue sticks? ummm...challenge me...they come 2 in a pack. So I get an extra.
One set of 4 low odor chisel tip dry erase markers? You thought you GOT me this year, Mr. List. HAHA. I got them before they were sold out.
One set of BULLET TIP? What the FUCK ARE THOSE? Crap. Papergirl 7, school supplies 1
Manilla paper? 12x18 size. Got it. Never DID get it last year. It was gone too quick. 8-1
Crayola 24 count crayons? Easy peasy. 9-1
Crayola 16 count? Hmmm...FUCK. 9-2 Grab extra 24 count.
Prang 8 ct water colors? 10-2
Easy..but Im FUCKING TIRED. Ill deal with YOU later. By this time I have lost track of the score. I think I won...but only by a margin of victory when I managed to NOT step on the hand of the whiny MOTHER who was digging through EVERY. BOX. OF. SPIRALS. to find the correct shade of pink for her oh so speshul snowflake.
You know the part about this that REALLY pisses me off? The supplies dont stay KID specific for the year. So last year my terror of HOLY SHIT NEED TO FINISH THE LIST was doused like a campfire in a monsoon when I went to the boys orientation, and was instructed to sort them out, and dump them in the correct bins in the class room. So, in the long run, no one would ever be the wiser if my one child out of the 22 in the class didnt bring exactly 32 pencils. Or brought *gasp* Roseart washables instead of Crayolas.
And even knowing NOW what I learned THEN... I still have the overwhelming DESIRE...no...PRIMAL URGE to clear out the list.
School supplies. The fucking Pokemon of the adult world. Gotta catch them all.